Having a baby is truly one of life’s most precious gifts. There was nothing I prayed for more than my children. My personal journey began with infertility. I have PCOS and for a long time I had no idea that was what was going on with my body. So after a year of trying, my husband and I went to a fertility doctor to see what was going on. I was told I am healthy and have a lot of eggs but just do not ovulate regularly so after a few tries utilizing a “trigger shot” (like the name, it triggers ovulation so you can get that egg good if you time it right), we got pregnant! Unfortunately that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage during the pandemic which meant I could not go to the doctors to be seen, could not get a D&C and needed to miscarry on my own. It was truly horrific and one of the worst moments of my life. Maybe another time I will get into that but in the meantime let’s move on to the birth of my son.
We tried again right away and I got pregnant with my son! I gave birth to my little treasure via c-section on March 3rd 2021. It was one of the best days of my life. He is such a blessing and a true answer to my deepest prayers. Again, I will save all of that for another post a different time. (I have a journal entry recording my prayers about it all.)
Here's what I want to dive into. And trust me, I've gone back and forth about posting this but maybe this could help someone or help someone feel less alone. Before giving birth, my Mom warned me about the intense emotions involved and the reality of postpartum. She mentioned that my Auntie experienced it and advised me to be prepared for unexpected emotions, and indeed, they did. Here is a glimpse into my inner thoughts after giving birth to my son.
March 2021
My Spirit is Broken
He doesn’t know my spirit is broken. It’s been shattered. It’s been shattered by the most joyous occasion of my life, the birth of my son, a true and utter gift from God that I prayed for. My body grew this miracle that I look at proudly and with the purest amount of love. That same body has betrayed me. I look at myself disgusted. The hanging belly, the sagging skin, the random hairs that grow but I am still proud of my scar. That scar helped bring my son into this world. So how can I hate myself so much when I am part of the reason he exists?
My husband is a good man. He doesn’t know I’m broken. He doesn’t understand the waves of emotions that pull me out like rip current. I’m swimming parallel but I am getting tired. I need him to pull me back to shore but I can’t scream for help and I’m not sure he can reach me. The result? Anger, a short fuse, distance. I turn into a monster which only makes me drift further and further away from shore. Can he even see me now? Can he hear me screaming and crying for help? Please don’t give up on me! Please don’t stop fighting for me. Please. I’m here. I’m just a little broken.
The tears I cry burn my eyes, they stain my skin, they create little puddles around me. No one sees them. My smile blinds everyone around me. My breasts won’t produce milk for my baby, I am fat, I am disgusting, I am ashamed, I. AM. BROKEN. How can anyone love me? I feel like such a failure. Hormones are my biggest feat at the moment and I know things will get better. God is my biggest cheerleader. I sometimes just need an extra smile, pat on the back, back rub or kiss on the forehead. I feel invisible. I don’t deserve to be seen though. What a catch 22. I’m just broken.
No one talks about the loneliness of motherhood. You have this new little person who relies on you for everything and your heart is full, it truly is. But... damn it can be lonely. You feel forgotten. Life seems to be going on without you while yours revolves around diapers, bottles, tummy time, laundry and your little bambino. Your friends disappear, your sense of self fades, pajamas become your new outfit of choice, feeling pretty is a feeling from the past. Combine this with having multiple children, going back to work, daily stressors, and the diminishing charm of having a newborn, and feelings of loneliness can start to rear its ugly head.
So what's the moral of the story? Don’t forget about your Mama friends. A simple text, visits, even a Snapchat can make their day. Feeling lonely is so depressing. Take a few minutes to reach out, I promise that few minutes you spend shooting a text, sending a meme, or even a good old fashion phone call really could bring some much needed light to the darkness that is sometimes motherhood. I learned to voice my feelings and when I got pregnant with my daughter and I told my doctor "flag my chart for PPD". I am horrible with expressing myself or emotions but it truly did help me to be honest. I was able to take medication which helped but nevertheless motherhood is a battlefield that I am so proud to be a participant in!
With all this being said, if you or someone you know is suffering with depression, thoughts of suicide, postpartum depression, or any other mental health symptoms know that YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE VALUED. YOU MATTER.
Additional resources include:
Calling 911: Call emergency services if you or someone you know is in crisis. (Trust me as a former dispatcher I would rather spend my shift talking someone off the ledge then responding out to someone's demise. You are so worth every effort in getting better.)
Calling or texting 988: The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is a free, confidential service that provides 24/7 support to anyone in emotional distress or suicidal crisis. You can also chat with a crisis counselor online.
Calling SAMHSA's National Helpline: Call 800-662-HELP (4357).
Visiting FindTreatment.gov: FindTreatment.gov can help you find resources.
Contacting a mental health professional: A mental health professional can assess symptoms and develop a treatment plan.
Contacting a close friend or loved one: Reach out to someone you trust.
Contacting a minister or spiritual leader: If you have a faith community, you can contact someone in your faith community.
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